something like yin and yang but more two sides of one than two separate sides

i have always felt that there was something missing. some part of me that either was not there or was simply not whole.... something off a bit.

the truth is i have realized, impossible now to ignore, is that there are two sides of me.... neither side makes complete sense but only one appears to be acceptable.... to my family, my friends and, honestly, to myself.

preventing forever.....

a dear old friend sent me a song that he says has always reminded him of me..... called baby.... the line in the song resonates "always somebodys baby".... he said he has always loved me but that i was always somebody elses baby.

to this i replied, i have never been somebody elses baby.... i have always simply been a distraction. no one has really wanted me until i have been gone.... until they could no longer have me. the story of my life, apparently.

recently, a long time on again off again regular in my life, after being told by me that i could not cash a raincheck on our rescheduled date as i had begun seeing someone else, asked me if i would allow him to be forever in my life if he promised to be forever in mine.

this is the jist of how things went down:

me: so i have been thinking. i cant date you. not any more. i just cant trust that i wont finish on the losing end again. and i want more than i think you are willing or able to give.... even though you think you want that stability or whatever now..... i want someone to be a part of my life, share my life with me and let me share their life with them. someone who wants to be a part of trevors life and appreciates all i am..... good and less so. im looking for that forever person.

him: so even if I said I wanted to be that person, it's still a no?

me: i dont think you can be that person. not for me. i just dont trust anything real between us anymore. part of me wishes i did or that you had decided this a couple years ago. im sorry. i never thought the tables would change like this. never ever. you know what i just realized?

him: what?

me: you have never actually told me you love me

him: if love is appreciation, respect, and friendship, then I do love you. I'm not the mushy kinda love you guy

me: i want a mushy kind of love guy. appreciation and respect and friendship are cool but i want someone who will fall head over heels for me and tell me so. im a romantic. i want love that is real and not quantified or defined in words

him: I show love in different ways. I respect your decision. I'm sorry I've caused so much pain for you. like I've always said, it was just bad timing when we met. I just wasn't ready. just coming out of a 10 year marriage where I was head over heels in love. it hurt me. and I tried to take it out by being this bad boy. was enjoying all the attention I was getting having lost all that weight and being single. but that shit is so shallow. now as time goes on I am starting to feel my age a bit. I find myself wanting peace. I think I've known all along that you were a gem. I think I admire you, my mom, and my brother more than anyone I've ever met (my grandfather too before he died)

me: i am glad for your honesty with me but your realization came a year or so too late for me

him: so we have no chance then? is that the conclusion we are drawing here?

me: that is the conclusion we are drawing here. im sorry. now i feel like shit. i really am sorry. i just cant put myself out there again w you. came to the conclusion a long time ago that anything w you would just be what it was at the moment. i could do that for a month or so and then my feelings got the best of me. that is why last time i asked you to just see me.... no strings but to just see me and you did not want to. i guess that was the last i could ask.....

him: I'm gonna leave you with this. If I committed to you (and you allowed me to), it would be for good. it would be real. I've never hurt anyone like I hurt you before. it's not who I am, but I haven't been who I am for several years now. i think I needed to let loose for a bit as I never did that before. it's unfortunate that we had to meet during that time. I feel like I'm slowly turning back into that person I always was. I'd like you to reconsider, but I'm not gonna force you to. I understand completely where you are coming from. I'm a survivor, I always have been. I'm sorry I goofed this all up. I hope you find that right person. I love you.

the timing here seems curious to me but that may actually be just a coincidence..... after so long, after so much, why would he decide he wanted to be with me at that particular time? had he decided before and only just gotten the nerve, the push, to tell me? why did it take so long for him to be able to say "i love you"?? if i find it in me to trust his word, when he has me, will he decide he no longer wants me as has been the pattern???

these are the questions that plague me..... the thing is, though, i dont think this is even a decision i really need to make.... or maybe, it is just that i already know the answer.

this on again off again, this person and i, we are not a team that will work. we are not a pair that has anything more going for us than a smokin hot connection and an interesting knack at whitty exchange.....

that is not enough for me..... as a 'for now' person, sure. that would be fine. as a 'forever' person, i want more.

i have some excellent girlfriends..... they are married. they tell me their husbands are their best friends. i want my forever person, marriage or not, to be my best friend. i want the person i grow old with to be the person i WANT to grow old with.... the person that, once sex and thrill and adventure is gone, will still be the person i want to face the every day with. the person i can trust to be there to listen and not judge me. to be with me and not just beside me.

we could live side by side and that would be fine to have someone there but it would never be sharing a life..... i want to share my life and i want someone to share their life w me.... forever....

this seems, however, to be a trend w me.... i meet wonderful people at the wrong time.... or meet people who are wonderful but are not wonderful for me..... i wonder if there is something more to this? i say i want to share my life and i believe i actually do BUT wonder, is there something in me that is keeping me from allowing me to meet the right person, simply by only meeting the wrong people?

i was told, by another wonderful person i met at an inconvenient time, that if i were to stop looking, i would meet the right person. they would 'land in my lap'.... to this, i replied, that i am not really 'looking'.... i want something and am open to meeting someone but am not doing anything in particular to force something. possible though, i am doing something to prevent it.

only time will tell if i will find that person..... i know now though that when i think of sharing my life w someone, it does scare me and i dont know exactly how it would work. i have been single for a very long time (i dont count casual dating as a relationship) and was very unsuccessful the last time i was..... i dont want to get hurt and i dont want anyone else to get hurt..... i also dont want to be alone....

there is no tidy way to end this..... mostly a cathartic entry to get some things out of my head. no point, all things i already know, all things that continue to perplex me, even moreso as i continue to meet new people all the time who are not the right people for me or are just right at the wrong time.

cross roads

i have come to realize in the last few weeks i tend to come into peoples lives when they are at an extreme personal cross roads... well, when i come into the lives of men i am romantically or am becoming romantically involved with. basically, men who i begin spending time with to see if there is anything romantically there.....
lets run down the long list shall we? it begins some 14 years ago when i am 17..... yes, my senior year in high school.

my first serious adult relationship - met when we were coworkers at my first place of employment. this was the least cross roady of the bunch. he was at a cross roads with his college education. ultimately, for him to stay in the area and continue to date me and go to SMU on scholarship, he moved in with my mom and me.... i was far too young to live with anyone as i was still in hs and discovering who i was (did not really find that out until my late 20s early 30s. in other words, very recently) and the relationship was therefore doomed from the beginning.

second serious adult relationship - a coworker of mine. his father had recently (as in within the month) passed away from a long battle with cancer. he was in no position to be in a relationship and yet he ended up in one w me that lasted over a yearish.... ended horribly with a friendly reconciliation some years later.....

third relationship was with my ex husband - again coworkers. his at that time soon to be ex wife had just left him with their 2 year old son. to go live with the man she had been having an affair with..... he needed someone to be strong and i am one of the strongest people i know when it comes to being strong for other people and occasionally for myself. after a time, when i knew things would not work and i was not happy, i was afraid for him if i left.... after another time, i became afraid for myself if i were to leave. ultimately i did leave and he has been at the same cross roads since the day i met him.

fourth relationship, several years after my divorce - not a coworker this time - this one fresh out of a 10 year marriage. first tip to run should have been that our first date was on the day his divorce was finalized. two and a half years back and forth with this one, this one i loved in spite of myself, and he has finally "decided" he wants to be with me and make that commitment forever. if i will allow him to commit to me.

and the most recent cross roads - a friend i finally reestablished contact with after 13 or so years. i met him when i was a foolish 14 year old girl with wide eyes and an unmarked heart. we went separate ways over the years and reconnected over fb and met to go for a bike ride and lunch on november 14, a day it so happens neither of us had anything else we needed to be doing. we spent the entire day together, having a blast, the goal of the day to just do whatever we wanted. bike ride around white rock, late lunch at matts in lakewood, trip to rockwall after we cleaned up at my place, drink at the flying saucer (cause i noticed they had one), stroll around the market place by the lake to get chocolates at rocky mtn chocolates (cause i noticed they had one), a motorcycle ride, trip to downtown dallas to drop a ring at the fettish ball, late dinner at cafe brazil and then chatting til 4am in my living room. i dont think i have felt so comfortable with another person in a very long time..... the kicker? you ready? he is fresh out of a 7 year relationship - not marriage but the question was about to be popped..... and now he gets a chance finally to focus on his life and where he wants to be..... his cross roads....

and so i wait.... again..... told him i like him enough at this point to hang out while he gets things straight (his term) but i dont know if this is what i should do. i certainly dont plan on putting my life on hold while he "gets straight" but really want to find my forever person. i want to share my life with someone who wants to share their life with me.... but i know we all have to have our lives where we want them to be able to share.... and i have yet to find that.

confessions

i have a confession to make.... nothing juicy..... more a realization as the result of some deep inward reflection.
ready?
when asked if i want more kids, i always say no. ALWAYS!! when i am asked how many kids i have, i always say 1 (cause that is how many), quickly followed with "one is enough for me"....
i am not entirely certain if it is so much that i do not WANT any more children. i believe it may be more than i am AFRAID to have more children.
trevor is the most incredible individual, is an utter joy to have as a son and makes being a mom the easiest and most rewarding job i have ever had, better than any i could ever hope to have. when other parents are fussing about their kids and the newest battle, i keep my mouth shut cause i have no issues.... he really is wonderful and respectful and appreciative and just.... good.
truth be told though, since i am confessing and all, he was not an easy baby. he cried all the time and really only wanted me. i carried him, rocked him, nursed him, burped him, cooed him, sang to him (even before he was born) and was his world. he was mine as well. we were very alone for a good part.... his dad was there but far preferred me to handle the "issues" such as feeding (i was nursing but did pump for the bottle when i went back to work when trev was 4 weeks old) and all that goes with it including burping, spit up, crying, changing, etc.....
trevs dad was really better at, and is still better at, the fun things. he plays and is amusing. he takes trev to the arcade and for pizza or burgers. i take care of school and doctors and dentists and clothes and schedules for tkd and school and play dates and the like. i am in charge of his moral upbringing.... he makes this all pretty easy, even though it was not always THIS easy.
i have been told that he is as great as he is because of me and the way i raise him and the things i expose him to. i dont know this is the case, at least not fully.
trevor is just a great person, has a great heart and is just wonderful through and through. i did not do anything to make that happen. i do what i do and am the way i am and parent the way i parent because of his temperament and disposition.
what does this all mean to me having more kids..... i am terrified the next one will just be utterly the opposite of trevor. kids are different, i know this. i have god daughters and nieces and nephews and friends who have kids and trevors friends and such and just know that kids come in all shapes and sizes and personalities. but to me it seems a terrible gamble dependent on the roll of the dice. i dont know that i want to risk it.... but sometimes i really just do want to have another.
number 1, trev would be a great big brother and has told me as much. number 2, i really loved being pregnant (aside from the corresponding being fat). number 3, i really LOVE having a baby to hold and care for and love and watch grow.
i really dont like the crying (oh, the crying!!), being spit up on, pooped on, peed on, etc, being bitten while nursing, having to carry SO MUCH STUFF and not just be able to GO, you know? oh, and the sleep deprivation is no walk in the park either....
that is all really the selfish side which is really outweighed by the fact that there would be a new baby to love and hopefully, next time, there would also be a father who would HELP ME..... one who would take a selfless perspective and look out for me..... make sure i get sleep and a break and am able to maintain my sanity..... and get to the gym to run and cycle and get my body back!
this is all really just to say that i realized that i am not really as certain as i thought i was with regard to more children.
would it be wonderful in 10 to 15 years to be done with the primary role as parent as trev heads off to college, the military and his life? hell yeah it would!! would it be wonderful to put that off a few more years and experience the joy of watching another child grow and change and be successful and become enamored with life? hell yeah it would!! you see my predicament?
ultimately, i know that if i want to share my life with someone, a forever someone, i also have to be open to having more children. i have a hard time seeing myself dating someone who already has children of their own as i really do not make a good step mom and know most men would want a child of their own.... you know, their eyes and last name? (i have very strong genes so the child may again appear as a carbon copy of me).
im not getting to any specific point here..... just realized last night, while i was snuggling with a wonderful new person in my life that while i thought i knew what my life held for me and what i wanted for my future, i may just not have known as much as i thought i did.

sweet sleeps

tonight, kissing trevor goodnight to "sweet sleeps" as we call them..... i kissed his ears "so he would only hear sweet words" and kissed his eyes "so he would only see sweet things" and kissed his lips "so he would only say sweet words" and kissed his head "so he would only think sweet thoughts".....
today i called him my prince.... and told him that although he may never rule kingdoms, he ruled my heart..... this is how my amazing prince went to sleep this evening.....

Lone Star Ride 2009 - open letter to those who believed in me

Lone Star Ride 2009 wrapped up after 168 grueling miles with an emotional closing ceremony on Sunday September 27 at about 5 pm. We laughed and cried and remembered and hoped for a better future.

I felt much the same at the closing ceremonies as I did on the trail on Saturday and Sunday, although I cursed and said "seriously???" more than a few times on the trail!!

This weekend, however, was, hands down, one of the absolute best weekends of my life.

I challenged myself both physically and emotionally. I cried, I laughed and boy did I sweat!!! Before this weekend, I had not spent more than a mile at a time on my bicycle and I did not learn until Saturday morning @ 530 am that my bike was less than optimal for the type of riding I was challenging myself with; I have a hybrid and really needed a road bike.

Even still, I pushed my body harder and drove myself further that I would ever have been able to imagine. Because the route was so long and arduous, I spent a good bit of time riding on my own, with only my thoughts to keep me company.

I thought about the people I have lost in what I consider a short life. I thought about the people I still have and sometimes, too often actually, take for granted. I thought about the people I was riding for; the people who needed me to ride because they were unable. I thought about the pain I was in and how much I wanted to throw my very heavy bike down a friggin' hill..... and then I thought about what was driving me in spite of the incredible pain in both my knees, my right hip and the intense burn in my quads.

Even as I wiped dead bugs from my sunglasses and road crud from my face, I thought how blessed I was to be able to climb back on my bike and just keep going farther than I would have ever imagined was possible.

I started the ride not having any idea really what it was exactly I was getting myself into. I woke at 4 am on Saturday morning and was at the American Airlines Center by 530 am. I did not know any of the people surrounding me but that did not last long. Everyone was so warm and welcoming and friendly. I was introduced by a stranger to two other strangers who would be staying in "tent city" with me that night after 91 miles on the road. I met some of the road crew who would be riding along side us to help us, sweep us in if we needed and, most importantly, to provide the encouragement that kept us going mile after hard mile. One member of the Moto crew even road beside me as I traveled a bridge over Joe Pool lake to ensure my safety.

I don’t think I can explain very well how I felt those two days other than incredibly blessed. Although I had to climb off my bike and walk up the steepest of two different hills, I was driven to complete each and every mile, so I climbed back on and peddled away. I will share pictures when I have them but I have to say I look happier in some of these pictures than I have felt in a long time. Possibly it was exhaustion but I think it was really something more.

So now you know a little more about what it is you helped me accomplish. Saturday I was on my bike for 9.5 hours and rode 91 miles, Sunday I was on my bike for 9 hours and 77 miles. Knowing you believed in me and shared some of your very hard earned money at a time when each and every dollar counts means more to me than you can imagine. I heard your voices in my head as I pushed on. I could not imagine stopping, although there were times I really wanted to, knowing who was depending on me and who was behind me.

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, not only from me but on behalf of the thousands of people your money will help feed, house, clothe and care for. Thank you for all those who need our care so much.

Sincerely,
Willow, Rider # 220

snippet

today i felt out of sorts..... out of my self a little.
trev and i had meet the teacher, i was tired after not getting much sleep and it was steamy outside.
even just thinking about being out around other people made me want to put on my pjs and climb into bed....
in my insane mind, i feel i am being judged.
i know it is irrational as i can not imagine i mean so much to a complete stranger that they would judge me just to have something to do..... i just dont like being around people i feel are judging me.... even though i know they probably arent.
i am judging myself by them so i assume they reach the same obvious conclusion.... that i dont belong.... and i never feel like i belong.
third wheel, fifth wheel, person who laughs too loud, says the wrong thing, cant dance, doesnt have the right clothes, doesnt drive the right car, isnt in the right place in life, doesnt live in the right neighborhood..... you name it and i am not it.

side note: i cant seem to get my thoughts together...... my head is in a space it has not been in since 2004 and i dont like it at all..... i need to snap myself out of this! i know what the problem is and i just have to wait it out.... but i want my self back and i want back now!!